Hello, It's Mister Nasty!

Remember these lines from the movie, You've Got Mail?
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Joe Fox: [talking via email, to who he doesn’t know is Kathleen Kelly] Have you ever become the worst version of yourself. That a pandora's box of all the hateful things, your spite, your arrogance, your condecension has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away... you zing them. "Hello it's Mr Nasty". I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about...

Kathleen Kelly: [talking via email, to who she doesn’t know is Joe Fox] No I know exactly what you mean and I'm completely jealous. When I'm confronted by someone I get tongue tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning over what i should have said. For example what should I have recently said to… [meaning confrontation with Joe]
Kathleen Kelly:…a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existance. [stops and thinks] Kathleen Kelly:Nothing... even now days later I still can't figured it out...
Joe Fox: Wouldn’t it be great if I could pass all my zingers to you, then I could always be nice and you could be nasty whenever you wanted to be. Although I must warn you... when you eventually have the pleasure of saying the thing you want to say at the moment you’re wanting to say it... remorse eventually follows...
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Generally, I'm think fairly fast on my feet. I can easily banter back and forth with someone, and throw in the occasional witty zinger. But is that a blessing, or a curse?

Yesterday, I posted the videos of Tyler's various messes over the last week or so, and in order to post them on here, I first had to publicly post them on Youtube. It doesn't bother me to put them up on the internet for the world to see, mainly because the clips are only 30 seconds long in length and have no identifying information in them. If some stranger in Oklahoma wants to watch a video of my kid with oatmeal on his head.... whatever.

So....the possibility is there for comments from people that I don't know (like the 5th grader that commented on AJ's "Itchy Cast" video saying...." I feel ur pain".
Well, last night I check my email and see that I have two comments from someone on Tyler's Egg Video from yesterday.

The comments were from the same person and they were laughably absurd. I wish I had saved them so I could cut and paste them here.
The basic gist of it was: I can't believe you let your kid get so messy, just so you can show it to the world on youtube. It's testament to what a bad parent you are to let your kids be so disgusting.....blah, blah, blah. It was a long comment.

I laughed. Seriously, what an idiot.
So then I deleted her comments, and closed the video comment section so that no one could comment on them. I know some people on youtube post videos because they WANT a lot of comments and attention, but I only use youtube as a means to an end (to post videos here and on Facebook for my family and friends to see).

And then I left it alone and didn't think about it again.

yeah, right.

No. OH NO.....
Instead....feeling the need to "inform" this woman of the petty, insecure, judgemental, idiotic, irrelevant dumbass that she was, I sent her a message via her youtube contact page.
And here's where Mister Nasty came out.

It was a clever message - Dismissive, but scathing. Belittling, but with pointed sarcasm. Brief enough to convey that I don't have time for her, but lengthly enough to convey my message. Pointing out the pathetic nature of a person who trolls youtube at night making judgemental commentary on the parenting styles of people that she doesn't even know. It was intentionally nonchalant, with biting undertones. I'll spare you the details. Suffice to say, it was ugly. Ugly wrapped up in a witty, educated delivery.

It was unneccessary. But it made me feel better.
For a minute.

And then as Joe Fox said....."remorse inevitably follows".

Words can cut deep.....I know that. I've experienced it quite a bit in my 29 years- which is maybe how I learned it myself. Sure, it can be a fun "tool"....when your'e joking around or trying to be funny with your friends. But if you make me mad? Insult me or my family? Watch out- because my tongue will lash out at you and cut you to pieces. Where does that come from?? How do some people "know" how to do that so well, and other's don't? Or maybe the "others" just exercise more self-control. Sadly, more often than not - I hold back from completely tearing someone to shreds. Somehow I KNOW what it is....what words I COULD say if I wanted to, that would cut you straight to the bone. I'm also a fairly perceptive person - in more ways than one - so I also can somehow....just know. Know your weakness, know your insecurity, know your deepest fear - and I could put my finger on it and press. If I wanted to. I guess my basic desire to be a generally good and loving person keeps me from going there.
Makes me real approachable, huh? Maybe a little bit more about me than you wanted to know, eh?? Well, this is me being real. *sigh*

Just a humbling reminder this Wednesday morning of the ugliness of my heart, the power of words and the danger of a sharp tongue.
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Where do you fall on the "Zinger" scale?? Do you get tongue tied and then spend the next 4 hours thinking of what you should've said?? Or do you open your mouth and "zing" them?? Feel free to discuss. I think I need an intervention.
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"But the tongue no man can tame, an unquiet evil, full of deadly poison."

September 11

We all remember this date, and it's impact on our nation's history and fellow countrymen. Indeed, one of the darkest days that I've personally witnessed in my 29 years on this earth. It's easy to forget, to brush it under the rug as the years pass (7 of them now) but I think it's good to remember that there are people who are ever-more reminded on this particular day that they no longer have a brother, a husband, a wife, a son, a daughter....

Also on this day my heart is also burdened with a family that we know personally, who lost their father/husband on this day last year from suicide. They have trudged on, as do most families who fall victim to senseless tragedy, but I'm sure today is a hard day for them. If you're praying type, send one out for Kendyl today, and her girls - and her young son.

Our friend DanO is in NYC working for RenewNYC. He attended the 9-11 memorial this morning and he sent me these words and pictures:

My heart hurts today. As the "I love you" and "I miss you" balloons soared into the air this morning, I was overcome; overcome with my complete insignificance, my perceived needs and my ever-effacing weakness and fallability. How do you explain to children about their mom or dad? How do you come to that decision to leap from the burning building some 100 stories from the ground to certain death, knowing if you stay that inevitability faces you as well. The courage to manage enough control to find peace and make that decision... Today is the 7th anniversary of September 11, 2001. Most of our Nation has slowly put it behind them...the healthiest and most pragmatic approach. Not here though. The streets of Lower Mahattan where I work are lined with tens of thousands of mourners. Its the collective grieving and the bell tolling outside my window that shows this pain may never ebb. Many people I work with here are survivors; in the towers when they were struck that early Tuesday morning seven years ago. There are no politics, no sides, no parties. They're Catholics and Protestants, Jews and Gentiles, Muslims and Athiests, standing side by side, together as one. As each name is read and as the family members move down a ramp to the bottom of the hole where the towers stood, I reflect with great emotion how fortunate I am. How loved I am, How precious my moments here are as a woefully imperfect human being. Please take a minute to reflect on what you value and who you love. Tell them, show them, share with them. Pray for one another for no other reason but because you love them. As this next 60 minutes unfolds, allow your perspective to empathaize with those who were called from us that day.

For Ava

....whose life has affected me profoundly in the last year, and whose mum never ceases to amaze me with her spirit and vulnerability.
More balloons for you, super princess.

Sadness: On (not) Smiling Through Tears

Ever since Steve and I have moved here to Georgia, and been attending Sherwood Baptist Church, we've made up a fun game of nicknaming choir members. We have a HUGE choir here, and they're quite good, and Steve and I enjoy picking out members who remind us of someone and giving them names. Yoda-toad, Ray Romano, Uncle Rico....we have lots. One of our first Sundays here, a man came up to sing a solo with the choir and when he opened his mouth, a strong and beautiful voice burst forth and nearly blew us away. He was our first nickname - and we coined him Pavarati. His voice was huge, his execution flawless, the sound that poured from his mouth was intoxicating.

Later on we learned that he was the parent of Sherwood students - Steve teaches 2 of his daughters, they have a 4th grade son. His wife does the logo application on my team's jerseys. They are active in the school - booster club members, active church members, the perfect family. Or so everyone thought.

Yesterday, "Pavarati" was found dead in a rental truck, in a fast food parking lot. Suicide.

And even though I didn't really know him, had only met him once, have had a few brief encounters with his wife, I feel very, very sad. There's a dark cloud hovering over our house, our school, our church. I feel as though I've been punched in the gut, and if *I* feel that way, as a virtual stranger, I can't even imagine the heartache of his daughters, his son, his wife - it's unfathomable.

I've been thinking about it a lot. His last moments...the incredible agony that a person must be feeling to think that there's no other solution than to end your own life. I imagine him sitting in that truck, thinking, contemplating, resolving, resigning, ending it. And I wish I could have been there. That anyone could have been there. To have randomly walked by at that moment, to sit in that truck with him, and hold his hand, and say, "hey, it's not that bad. Nothing is that bad. You can make it through this and I will help. We will help. We will love you. No matter where you've been or what you've done, We. Will. Love. You". And yet, he felt as though there was no other way out. That he was unworthy of living life any longer. And so he left behind his family. His young children. The Perfect Family. They have it all. Or at least they have to pretend that they do.

Last night at the school, after the news had leaked out - I passed one of our volleyball players parents, and our friend, Amy. And as I looked into her eyes, and saw that she had been crying, I gave her a sad half-smile, which she returned. And later I wondered, why would I do that? Why do we (especially as Christians) feel the need to smile, even in the midst of extreme sadness? Why do we feel the need to put on a brave face, smile to the world, give the impression that "hey, I'm fine over here! I've got it all together! No need to see the innermost parts of me!" Why is it taboo to be vulnerable with other people? Why is taboo to make mistakes, to screw up, and actually think that others won't judge you for what you've done? For who you are? To be HUMAN? Why is there always the facade of perfection? Why do we exude it? Why do we demand it from others?

How are you?
I'm fine.
NO!

How about
How are you?
Not good.
My life is a mess.
I'm sad.
I'm infertile.
I'm going through a divorce.
I hate my parents.
My brother has cancer.
We just declared bankruptcy.
My wife cheated on me.
My child has autism.
I think my kid is snorting cocaine.
We just had a miscarriage. Again.
And it's not ok.
I'm in a dark place.
I'm depressed.

I'm thinking of killing myself.

Wait. Stop. Don't.
I love you. We can get you through this.

The air around here is thick. With Sadness.
It's Pervasive. And Hovering.
*sigh*

I don't usually say things like this, at the risk of sounding trite, but if you think of it today, say a prayer for this family.