I Hope They're NOT Like Me.....

Everyone carries with them remnants of their parents due to their upbringing. And I'm not just talking about those moments when you realize in horror that I sound exactly like my mother. Through our observations as children and adolescents -- about our parents' marriage, conflict resolution, communication, parenting styles, values, ethics, etc -- without ever knowing it, our parents taught us volumes through their actions and attitudes about a myriad of things. Good, bad, or indifferent.....these "lessons" are now a part of who WE are, and the consequences can be fabulous......or not.

Think your spouse is great at conflict resolution? Wonder how she stays so calm and collected and rational during a fight? Maybe it's because her parents modeled an excellent form of communication and healthy resolution for her to learn from and thus, it's the only way she knows. Ever wonder why your husband is infuriated when you say you'll be there at 5:00 and you show up 7 minutes late?? Maybe it's because his mom/dad made promises about being somewhere and consistently broke those promises, arriving late, or never at all.

These are just examples, but I find it interesting - the residual effects (good or bad) that our parents pass on to us. I often times find myself wondering: "why does that make me so mad?" or "why does that (seemingly small thing) hurt me so deeply?" and after thinking about it, can say - "oh yeah...because when I was growing up, ___fill in the blank____"

About a week ago, Steve and I were sitting at the table after dinner and we started talking about the character traits that we hope our children will NOT gain from us. We all like to observe the things in our children that ARE like us - it's great to have pieces of you living on in the next generation.
"Oh, he has your eyes"
"He's an artist just like you"
"I hope she plays basketball like I did"

But what about things like:
"I hope she has a better respect for authority than I do"
"I hope he's more driven than I am"
"I don't want him to struggle with addiction like I do"
"I hope he respects his wife more than I do"
"I hope he has a better control over his anger than I do"

It's a good thing to think about, because it requires action on our part. Number one on that second list there?? That was one of mine (Note I said ONE).
For a number of reasons, I generally don't have a lot of respect for authority figures. But what happens when Owen comes home from school feeling like his teacher was unfair to him. And what if she was?? Do I express outrage over the unfairness, confirm his suspicions, verbally "bash" her, vow to make things right and avenge my poor child?? Or do I insist that Owen respect his teacher and her authority, and then speak with her privately about the matter? What lessons will I teach my son about respect and authority through my own lack of it??

Hubby and I came up with several things - things we don't want them to learn from ourselves, things we don't want them to learn from the other. It was interesting to hear the things that Steve thought about ME, from his perspective, because some of them hadn't even crossed my mind. And I could see the surprise on his face when he asked me "what do you hope they don't learn from ME?" because I could tell that the first thing that popped out of my mouth hadn't even crossed his mind.

WARNING: REQUEST FOR HONESTY AND "REAL-NESS" COMING:

Care to share?? What do you hope your child(ren) - current or future - DON'T learn from you?? What flaws do YOU need to work on so that your kids won't adopt them from you? Or, if you're kids are grown (or older), what things do you wish they hadn't already learned?
Don't be afraid to be honest - we are ying and yang - nobody's perfect and we all know that there's bad to balance your good - tell us so that maybe other's can learn from you, and respect you for your humanity.

I'd like to hear your opinions, but even if you don't want to delve your darkest character flaws, think about it - discuss with your partner - work for change so you can be a better parent. That's what's most important anyway.

Food for thought on a Friday morning. :)

Tomorrow or Sunday we'll talk about the flip side of it - the good things about you that you hope your children become. :)