Hello, It's Mister Nasty!

Remember these lines from the movie, You've Got Mail?
--------------
Joe Fox: [talking via email, to who he doesn’t know is Kathleen Kelly] Have you ever become the worst version of yourself. That a pandora's box of all the hateful things, your spite, your arrogance, your condecension has sprung open? Someone upsets you and instead of smiling and walking away... you zing them. "Hello it's Mr Nasty". I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about...

Kathleen Kelly: [talking via email, to who she doesn’t know is Joe Fox] No I know exactly what you mean and I'm completely jealous. When I'm confronted by someone I get tongue tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend the rest of the night tossing and turning over what i should have said. For example what should I have recently said to… [meaning confrontation with Joe]
Kathleen Kelly:…a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existance. [stops and thinks] Kathleen Kelly:Nothing... even now days later I still can't figured it out...
Joe Fox: Wouldn’t it be great if I could pass all my zingers to you, then I could always be nice and you could be nasty whenever you wanted to be. Although I must warn you... when you eventually have the pleasure of saying the thing you want to say at the moment you’re wanting to say it... remorse eventually follows...
------------------------
Generally, I'm think fairly fast on my feet. I can easily banter back and forth with someone, and throw in the occasional witty zinger. But is that a blessing, or a curse?

Yesterday, I posted the videos of Tyler's various messes over the last week or so, and in order to post them on here, I first had to publicly post them on Youtube. It doesn't bother me to put them up on the internet for the world to see, mainly because the clips are only 30 seconds long in length and have no identifying information in them. If some stranger in Oklahoma wants to watch a video of my kid with oatmeal on his head.... whatever.

So....the possibility is there for comments from people that I don't know (like the 5th grader that commented on AJ's "Itchy Cast" video saying...." I feel ur pain".
Well, last night I check my email and see that I have two comments from someone on Tyler's Egg Video from yesterday.

The comments were from the same person and they were laughably absurd. I wish I had saved them so I could cut and paste them here.
The basic gist of it was: I can't believe you let your kid get so messy, just so you can show it to the world on youtube. It's testament to what a bad parent you are to let your kids be so disgusting.....blah, blah, blah. It was a long comment.

I laughed. Seriously, what an idiot.
So then I deleted her comments, and closed the video comment section so that no one could comment on them. I know some people on youtube post videos because they WANT a lot of comments and attention, but I only use youtube as a means to an end (to post videos here and on Facebook for my family and friends to see).

And then I left it alone and didn't think about it again.

yeah, right.

No. OH NO.....
Instead....feeling the need to "inform" this woman of the petty, insecure, judgemental, idiotic, irrelevant dumbass that she was, I sent her a message via her youtube contact page.
And here's where Mister Nasty came out.

It was a clever message - Dismissive, but scathing. Belittling, but with pointed sarcasm. Brief enough to convey that I don't have time for her, but lengthly enough to convey my message. Pointing out the pathetic nature of a person who trolls youtube at night making judgemental commentary on the parenting styles of people that she doesn't even know. It was intentionally nonchalant, with biting undertones. I'll spare you the details. Suffice to say, it was ugly. Ugly wrapped up in a witty, educated delivery.

It was unneccessary. But it made me feel better.
For a minute.

And then as Joe Fox said....."remorse inevitably follows".

Words can cut deep.....I know that. I've experienced it quite a bit in my 29 years- which is maybe how I learned it myself. Sure, it can be a fun "tool"....when your'e joking around or trying to be funny with your friends. But if you make me mad? Insult me or my family? Watch out- because my tongue will lash out at you and cut you to pieces. Where does that come from?? How do some people "know" how to do that so well, and other's don't? Or maybe the "others" just exercise more self-control. Sadly, more often than not - I hold back from completely tearing someone to shreds. Somehow I KNOW what it is....what words I COULD say if I wanted to, that would cut you straight to the bone. I'm also a fairly perceptive person - in more ways than one - so I also can somehow....just know. Know your weakness, know your insecurity, know your deepest fear - and I could put my finger on it and press. If I wanted to. I guess my basic desire to be a generally good and loving person keeps me from going there.
Makes me real approachable, huh? Maybe a little bit more about me than you wanted to know, eh?? Well, this is me being real. *sigh*

Just a humbling reminder this Wednesday morning of the ugliness of my heart, the power of words and the danger of a sharp tongue.
----------------
Where do you fall on the "Zinger" scale?? Do you get tongue tied and then spend the next 4 hours thinking of what you should've said?? Or do you open your mouth and "zing" them?? Feel free to discuss. I think I need an intervention.
----------------

"But the tongue no man can tame, an unquiet evil, full of deadly poison."

Secrets

You've heard of PostSecret, right? Steve and I religiously go to the website every Sunday when the new secrets are posted to read them. The basic premise is that people all around the world send in homemade postcards with an anonymous "secret" written on them. Some are funny, some are sad, some are sexual, some are angry, some are scary, some are just plain weird - but they're all fun to read.

this one is one of the first ones that I read at the beginning of PostSecret's inception and it still freaks me right out whenever I read it.
I guess everyone has stuff that they don't tell people, or that they think might be strange or whatever...anyway, I think the concept is really cool. And free-ing. So I thought it might be fun to have our own PostSecret Post here on Random Musings. SO.....

I've enabled anonymous commenting so that if you want to, you can post YOUR secret and it will truly be anonymous. Here's the rules, per PostSecret:

Each secret can be a regret, hope, funny experience, unseen kindness, fantasy, belief, fear, betrayal, erotic desire, feeling, confession, or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything - as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before.

Post one, post five, post ten.....just post! Sometimes somebody else's post might make you think of your own......So, what are you waiting for??? Come on - it'll be fun I promise!

An Image Perceptions Experiment

Don't think about it too much, but......

What are the first 3 things that come to mind when you think of me??
3 Words, 3 Phrases, 3 Images...whatever.

Don't think about it too much. Don't lie.
Just list them in the comments please.....no holding back - you won't hurt my feelings, I promise. :)

The Five Things You Need To Know About Finding the Work You Love

Steve and I have often commented how blessed/lucky we feel to both be able to do jobs that we love and feel that God has designed us to do.
I mean, really - How many people can say that?

I read this today on ZenHabits and thought it was a good read....
----------------------------------

“You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers … If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.” - Steve Jobs in a Stanford commencement speech

One of the keys to happiness — as well as productivity and effectiveness at work — is finding work you love, that you’re passionate about. Work you want to do, instead of just have to do.

If you really want to do it, it barely seems like work at all.

I’ve finally found that work, in blogging here at Zen Habits and with writing in general. I don’t drag my feet to go to work anymore — now I can’t wait to get up early and start working.

And I’m just one of many who’ve done that — there are people all over the world pursuing their dreams, working with passion, losing themselves in their work. Are you one of them? Do you want to be?

The difficult thing for many people is finding what that work is in the first place. They don’t know where to start, and it seems a hopeless cause.

It’s not. You can find that work, but it’ll take some effort. Here’s what you need to know about finding the work you love:

1. It won’t find you — you have to seek it. Doing the same ol’ thing everyday isn’t the way to find the work you love. Sometimes, you get extremely lucky and it just lands in your lap. Most people, however, aren’t that lucky — you’ve got to take action, and you’ve got to seek it.
2. You can’t stop looking until you find it. As Steve Jobs said, never settle. If you find something that’s just a bit better than your current job, that’s better … but don’t stop there. Keep looking. Don’t give up the search.
   
3. You’ll have to look in lots of funny places. Really explore. Try new hobbies. Talk to new people. Read articles on different blogs, in different magazines and books. Inspiration might come from someplace you never imagined.
   
4. You might not love it completely until you get good at it. Most likely you’ll know that you love something once you find it … but at that point, you’ve got to work at getting better at it, with all your might. Once you get good, it’ll be something you can’t stop doing, because you’ll get a thrill at doing something great.
   
5. Once you find it, you have to pour yourself into it. If you find the work you love, you’ve been given a gift. Don’t spoil it — truly pour yourself into that work. That doesn’t mean you should ignore the other loves in your life, including family and friends, but when you’re working, you should devote yourself completely to that work.

Here’s how to go about seeking your passion:

1. Break out of your routine, and dare to ask. You’ve got to stop what you’re doing (maybe not at this moment, but today, or tomorrow, not next week) and be bold enough to ask yourself if you love what you’re doing. And if you don’t, then what is it you really love? And if you don’t know, then are you going to look for it?
   
2. Spend time thinking about it. It’s good to take an hour or two to really think about the question. It’s worth the investment. Really think about what you love, about your life, about what you want to be doing.
   
3. Think of what you already love. Do you have hobbies you’re passionate about? What do you like reading about? What do you talk about with others? Is there something you always wanted to do but forgot about, or were too afraid to pursue?
4. What are your dreams? Is there something you’ve always wanted to accomplish in life? Almost everybody has some dream like that, sometime in their lives, but often they don’t thing it’s realistic. Give it more thought now.
5. What are you good at? What are your strengths? Do you have any talents? Is there something you’ve always excelled at? Pursue these things.
6. Take action. If you don’t actually do anything, you’ll never find it. Start doing research, start making calls, make appointments, take career assessment tests. Take action, now.
7. Explore new things. Try out new hobbies that sound interesting. Read about new things. Find new ways to explore — break out of your patterns.
8. Once you find something interesting, pursue it. Read about it. Learn, and try it, and do it, and get better at it. Don’t be afraid to pursue it — fear is what stops most people from finding this happiness.
9. Then take action - again. Now that you’ve learned about it, give it a try! You might be able to pursue it within your current job, or do it as a side job or just as a hobby at first. Write to people who are doing it to find out how they got started. Check out a few books on the library and do some research online to find out about the first steps you need to take — and then take them! Pursue your dreams!

“Getting up in the morning and having work you love is what makes life different for people. And if you get into a position where you really don’t love what you’re doing, get off it. It’s easy to be on someone else’s track or something that sounds like a safety play.” -Bob Woodward

-------------------------

So? What do YOU think? Now, I know that reader comments have been down, down, DOWN lately (*ahem, not that I'm bothered by it or anything) but how 'bout we make a little comeback here and DISCUSS and SHARE our THOUGHTS....and FEELINGS. Pass the basket of kittens with a side of rainbow, if you please.

Are you doing what you love? Do you even KNOW what you really love? Are you taking action to get to a place where you can do it? Let's talk about this!

Hoping They Get That From Me

I play the piano. Sort of.
I took lessons for 8 years anyway and I still like to plink away on it. Piano was never something that came naturally to me - I definitely had to work at it, but I AM glad that my parents made me take lessons all those years and that I still have the ability to read music.
The piano is oftentimes a source of headaches in our household, because the boys will frequently bang on it. Bang their toys on it, slam their hands down on it, do anything they can to make the most wretched noises come from that instrument as they possibly can. Usually during Tyler's nap.
But yesterday....YESTERDAY, Owen actually sat down at the piano, gently placed his fingers on the keys and played Mozart. Just kidding.
But that would've been cool.
But he DID gently place his fingers on the keys, "break" his wrists softly down and press the keys with each finger (occasionally making a harmony or two) and "played" the piano. And i thought to myself, "gosh, I hope he can play the piano like I did"

Now, playing a musical instrument isn't exactly a character trait that I hope my child(ren) gain from me, but it was a nice intro into today's topic, don't you agree? :)

After Steve and I discussed last week the things that we hope our children DON'T learn from us, which I subsequently blogged about (great comments from readers, thank you by the way), we also discussed the things that we hope our kids DO gain from us. What are our best qualities, the things that we hope they "inherit" from us - naturally or from our gentle guidance.

There are many things I hope our boys pick up from Steve...and many things that I see glimpses of even now: AJ's gentle spirit and nurturing side is a trait I see in my spouse, Owen's cautiousness and well-thought out decisions remind me of Steve-o. We also frequently laugh at how Owen takes so long to wake up in the mornings and is such a grump in the process - like his daddy, but oops...I guess we're talking about the good things about us that they inherit.

I hope our boys learn from Steve his questioning mind, his restless spirituality, his personable character. I hope they see his constant wrestle with God and know that it's okay to ask questions, it's okay to be real, that life is a constant journey. I hope they pick up his ability to relate to almost anyone, to befriend any person, to love all people. Steve is (usually) calm and levelheaded in a fight, quick to realize when he's in the wrong, and rational along the journey - I hope they notice these qualities when we disagree and adopt them as their own. He is a good dad, invested in his children's lives and sacrificial of his time and own desires just to be with them. I know they will realize this more and more as they grow older and will be good fathers themselves because of it.

These are just a few of the many things I hope our boys learn from their father. I wrote them down because I know Steve wouldn't have written them himself.

What do you hope your children learn from YOU? From your spouse?

Toot your own horn, brag on your spouse, let's hear what things you want them to learn from you. Can't wait to hear it.....

I Hope They're NOT Like Me.....

Everyone carries with them remnants of their parents due to their upbringing. And I'm not just talking about those moments when you realize in horror that I sound exactly like my mother. Through our observations as children and adolescents -- about our parents' marriage, conflict resolution, communication, parenting styles, values, ethics, etc -- without ever knowing it, our parents taught us volumes through their actions and attitudes about a myriad of things. Good, bad, or indifferent.....these "lessons" are now a part of who WE are, and the consequences can be fabulous......or not.

Think your spouse is great at conflict resolution? Wonder how she stays so calm and collected and rational during a fight? Maybe it's because her parents modeled an excellent form of communication and healthy resolution for her to learn from and thus, it's the only way she knows. Ever wonder why your husband is infuriated when you say you'll be there at 5:00 and you show up 7 minutes late?? Maybe it's because his mom/dad made promises about being somewhere and consistently broke those promises, arriving late, or never at all.

These are just examples, but I find it interesting - the residual effects (good or bad) that our parents pass on to us. I often times find myself wondering: "why does that make me so mad?" or "why does that (seemingly small thing) hurt me so deeply?" and after thinking about it, can say - "oh yeah...because when I was growing up, ___fill in the blank____"

About a week ago, Steve and I were sitting at the table after dinner and we started talking about the character traits that we hope our children will NOT gain from us. We all like to observe the things in our children that ARE like us - it's great to have pieces of you living on in the next generation.
"Oh, he has your eyes"
"He's an artist just like you"
"I hope she plays basketball like I did"

But what about things like:
"I hope she has a better respect for authority than I do"
"I hope he's more driven than I am"
"I don't want him to struggle with addiction like I do"
"I hope he respects his wife more than I do"
"I hope he has a better control over his anger than I do"

It's a good thing to think about, because it requires action on our part. Number one on that second list there?? That was one of mine (Note I said ONE).
For a number of reasons, I generally don't have a lot of respect for authority figures. But what happens when Owen comes home from school feeling like his teacher was unfair to him. And what if she was?? Do I express outrage over the unfairness, confirm his suspicions, verbally "bash" her, vow to make things right and avenge my poor child?? Or do I insist that Owen respect his teacher and her authority, and then speak with her privately about the matter? What lessons will I teach my son about respect and authority through my own lack of it??

Hubby and I came up with several things - things we don't want them to learn from ourselves, things we don't want them to learn from the other. It was interesting to hear the things that Steve thought about ME, from his perspective, because some of them hadn't even crossed my mind. And I could see the surprise on his face when he asked me "what do you hope they don't learn from ME?" because I could tell that the first thing that popped out of my mouth hadn't even crossed his mind.

WARNING: REQUEST FOR HONESTY AND "REAL-NESS" COMING:

Care to share?? What do you hope your child(ren) - current or future - DON'T learn from you?? What flaws do YOU need to work on so that your kids won't adopt them from you? Or, if you're kids are grown (or older), what things do you wish they hadn't already learned?
Don't be afraid to be honest - we are ying and yang - nobody's perfect and we all know that there's bad to balance your good - tell us so that maybe other's can learn from you, and respect you for your humanity.

I'd like to hear your opinions, but even if you don't want to delve your darkest character flaws, think about it - discuss with your partner - work for change so you can be a better parent. That's what's most important anyway.

Food for thought on a Friday morning. :)

Tomorrow or Sunday we'll talk about the flip side of it - the good things about you that you hope your children become. :)

We're Theme-ing It....Get Ready For Good Deed Tuesdays!

So....how 'bout we start doing a theme once a week. I made up the theme...you participate. Sound good?

Here's my idea: Good Deed Tuesdays
It's as simple as it sounds....do at least one good deed for someone else on Tuesdays. It can be something small (buy a latte for the person behind you in line at Starbucks) or go all out (give your neighbor your car because theirs broke down). Whatever it is, it has to be for someone else and it has to be somewhat inconvenient for you and not TOO easy (here honey, I'm doing a good deed by closing the lid on the toilet seat so you don't fall in when you get up to pee tonight).

I've already got mine figured out....I'll post it tomorrow....start thinking about yours and then tomorrow: execute! Then tell us about it...either here or on your own blog. No excuses...it's not like you're overwhelmed with getting back into the work week because it's Monday, and you're not too obsessed with weekend plans because it's Friday, it's Good Deed TUESDAY-early enough in the week that you have brain cells left to think of something, but not too late that you're in weekend-mode.

Come ON!! It'll be fun!

Food for Thought

I read this on another blog, and thought it was worth passing along.

We are deceived and lied to on a constant basis. We’re marketed to by folks who only show us the good side and hide the bad.

The church should be different. We should be real.

I should be real.

Every time I present my best and hide my worst - I isolate someone. I’m one more affirmation that they’re just not together. They’re just not good enough. They just can’t figure it out.

Hurting people don’t need to know we’re perfect, they need to know we understand.